I made a small step towards creating in 2014 this year. I hadn’t really painted in ages. I think the last time I picked up a brush was the last time I posted an update here.:/ I had reasons and excuses. I was dealing with issues of the sads and while that did keep me from doing all of the things creatively that I intended to, due to lack of energy, it wasn’t my main reason. I’ve always used painting as a way to get out of the sads so I couldn’t understand why I seemed to be stuck in limbo when it came to just getting some paint and creating again. That’s not really true I knew why I felt like I couldn’t do that but it was kind of stupid.
You see last year we bought a new kitchen table and a new couch. That doesn’t seem like a big deal but I loved my old couch and kitchen table. They were old hand me downs with stains and it wasn’t a big deal if paint spilled onto the table’s surface because there were already marks on the table anyway.
If I went to sit on the sofa and had paint on my clothing it wasn’t a huge deal because it was already bad already. If I had company over I could always hide the marks with table cloths and covers. Our home was cozy and artistic in my eyes. I liked living this way but my husband did not. He replaced everything with bright new stuff that made me feel afraid to get paint on anything. I brought this up to my husband and he suggested painting on the floor since we still needed to replace our floor anyway. In his old flat that’s what he had done and it worked fine for him. All I could think was okay and how long before you replace it and I have to find a new space again?
Maybe I was a little resentful? As a professional artist that makes his living from his art I’ve always been fine with him having actual studio space. But at the same time I felt like I had made our kitchen into my space. It’s where I made food and where I did crafts with the kids and where I made art.
I tried to make our garage into a studio type space but it didn’t work. For one thing it was way too cold in the winter and way too hot in the summer. There were leaks from our AC unit that made the space not the most pleasant place to work in either-there was no really light. The door didn’t close properly and everything got really dusty, neighborhood stray cats came in and knocked stuff over all of the time. It was frustrating!
I put my paints away and attempted to do pen work in our bedroom but I was never excited enough to keep up with it.
At the time I felt like I had legitimate reasons why making art wasn’t working for me but now I feel like I was just being a brat about the entire situation. Yes, I was annoyed about losing my space, but if I had really tried I could have made the situation work for me.
Today when my husband went to the store to get canvas and paints I went too. I bought cheaper paints because I had a project that I had started last year but never finished. A project that I had been loving but given up on. One that didn’t require good paints.
My psychology text book journal. Below is one of the two page spreads that I did before:
I had prepped it a little last year but I went ahead and tore out more pages today. I glued other pages together to make thicker painting surfaces. I didn’t even wait for everything to fully dry before starting to paint on one of the two page spreads.
I didn’t have a plan I just wanted to commemorate starting again.
My old textbook art journal was the perfect project for getting my feet wet again as they say. And? I did this on my stove. I could have done this anywhere in my house really. It wasn’t like I got paint everywhere and I wasn’t even trying to be careful. In fact I don’t think that getting paint everywhere is even a real problem unless I get frantic with my paints or start trying to get some kind of splatter thing going.
My point is that my big issue, my big hold up was really all in my head. I had missed making journal pages a lot and there hadn’t been a real reason to stop in the first place! Hopefully I don’t stop doing something that brings me happy for stupid nonexistent reasons again.